Who Talks First?
by scarredmewtwo
Summary: (tw, eating disorders, self harm) Rey senses something's wrong with Kylo. He isn't coping well with himself, and Rey doesn't know how to help. Both are vulnerable to each other, Kylo wants to tell Rey everything he does, Rey wants to know, but neither knows how to bring it up, and the secret of the bond must stay a secret to those around them.


p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Kylo looked towards the stars that were brightly shining through the window. The events of the prior connection had left him shaken. What was happening? Why did it all happen? The bond, it was timed terribly, as his wound was being stitched. He had shown weakness in front of her, which he had been told he must never do. The girl, Rey, seemed so adamant of the light in him. He wasn't as keen as she was. He didn't have this vision of light, he felt himself irredeemable rather. He'd done so many horrible things to the people he loved, and now, she loved. He didn't believe he would have enough light to pull himself back, no matter how much he wanted to. The girl was his reason for it. He didn't want to admit it, but he loved her. She seemed to care about how he felt, she wasn't just there for information or for his power. She cared about him, something he hadn't felt since before the incident with Luke. His heart had growing feelings for her. He wasn't as keen about himself as he was for her. He hated himself, but it was more than just exterior. The emotional pain it caused him to deal with how his life was being led, it hurt him. He wanted so terribly to be his own person again, free from this all. He wanted the light and the dark to end, just to be seen in grey. He knew it wouldn't happen, Snoke didn't want it to, Luke still saw the light as the answer, there was no gray area, which would make it all go away. No one seemed to care about his wellbeing at all, just his power. He was just a tool for Snoke and Hux, a puppet, tied to a string./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"The girl on the other hand, well she seemed to care. She was the one he wanted. She protected him, cared about how he felt, at least that's how she rubbed off on him during their few encounters through the bond. She had this spark about her, something he felt so closely about himself, yet his seemed to have died out years ago, after well, the incident. Maybe she loved him, maybe she didn't, but he loved her. He wasn't sure that she knew how to love, the desert of Jakku wasn't a great place to learn about love, but neither was his dark room on the Supremacy. He felt so lost, he wanted away from it all, to just lead a normal life, but he knew that could never happen anymore, his face, his name, they were too well known, he'd be gunned down in an instant. /span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Emotionally, he was a wreck. He could barely sleep anymore from both hope that he'd maybe get to talk with her, or just of his own thoughts. They weren't pretty thoughts, no, he feared himself whenever his mind had the time to wander. It found itself in the most self-destructive places. These thoughts, the actions that accompanied the thoughts, they stayed silent, only to himself. He feared what would happen if others found out about them, especially Snoke or Hux. He'd just be slaughtered if they knew. He feared she would stop connecting with him if she knew about how he seemed to cope with himself. It wasn't pretty, but neither was he so he justified them that way. He hated what he did, it hurt him, and he knew it could kill him if he kept it up long enough. He knows he's smarter than it all, but it seems he's addicted to the pain they cause. His heart didn't work like it should, sometimes it'd beat slow, sometimes too fast, but never in perfect rhythm. He could never tell if that was because of his habits or just what happens on a day to day basis. His body didn't work like it should, not anymore, and he knows it's all his own doing, his own fault. He hides it all, even if his body is in pain, he hides it. He's ashamed of what he does, he's afraid of himself when he does it. The secret has been hidden for years, and it's beginning to become harder to hide much longer. His body is taking the toll that his habits cause. The damage is becoming more and more prominent on his body. Physical and mental. He rarely de-robed, as it would show everything. The marks he left, his knuckles, the bruises, the bones. He wasn't functioning like he should, he'd fall dizzy or ill. He was pale, ghostly almost. His body barely felt like his own. /span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Rey was still on the island. She didn't know what she expected. She was hoping she'd have learned a lot from Luke by now, but he still seemed to refuse to teach her. Her expectations seemed so far off of reality. She thought she'd become some sort of Jedi master, just like Luke before her. Sh didn't expect him to toss it all aside, shut himself off in isolation. She never expected that in the time of being here, she'd all of a sudden be bonded with Kylo Ren through the force. It was something so unexpected and it scared her quite a bit. What was he planning? She would never know, yet the first encounter was something so different from what she thought it was. He didn't seem menacing, he was calm, vulnerable even. Something that she'd never seen from him. This side, vulnerability. It was as if he was still human, at least part of him. She felt an odd attachment to him, something she'd never felt before. What it was, well she didn't know. Was it just the odd feeling that he was still Ben Solo, maybe the light was stronger than she thought. Maybe he was manipulating her, but that seemed hardly the case. He was as confused as she was as to how the force connected the two. Maybe he was torn and felt that she was the one who'd turn him. Her thoughts were scattered. She wanted to tell Luke, but she knew that would just end badly. She thought it would all go differently than how it was. Her heart had feelings for Kylo, whom she hoped would just let himself be called Ben, she felt it. Her emotions were both that of disgust and forgiveness. He wasn't heartless, and she could feel it. /span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"She could sense something in Kylo, something wrong. It was apparent to her that he was struggling with himself. She didn't know if it worried her, on one hand she wanted to not care, he was on the opposing side, yet she also felt there was something in him, the light, the ability to be that spark that burns the First Order down, she felt remorse for him, and something else. She didn't know what it was, but it was something far greater than she ever imagined, or even fathomed in her life. She cared for him far more than she ever thought she could. The sense that he was destroying himself become more and more concerning the more she thought about it. She couldn't figure out how he was doing it, she just felt the pain sometimes when he did, a slight sting on her upper arm or thigh sometimes, a weird pain in her stomach ever so rarely. She couldn't figure out what any of it meant, but it hurt her to know that he hurt. She wished she could help him, but was hesitant to do so, as she knew it could all be a trap to kill her or figure out what she was hiding, where Luke was or all three. She knew she had to be weary of what she told him, yet she wanted to be honest. She looked for signs of lying in his face and actions, yet found none whenever they spoke. She began to wonder if she could trust him, if he was being fully truthful, and he was as torn as he seemed, as lost as she was. Her shoulder began to sting slightly in numerous places, and she looked down, wondering if something bit her, but nothing was there, her skin was solid. She wondered what it could've been, but shook it off. /span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Kylo used a towel to dab at the wounds he had created in his shoulder. They weren't deep at all, but there were quite a few. He grabbed some bandages and wrapped them up, hoping the wounds wouldn't bleed through. His shoulder stung, but it wasn't an unusual feeling. He was used to it by now. He pulled his robes on over his body. They didn't seem to fit him properly. They weren't massive on him, but some parts needed adjusting. His belt needed to be tightened so that his pants would stay on his torso. He ran his hand through his hair, hoping pieces wouldn't fall, but a few fell to the ground and into his hands. He flicked his fingers, causing the hairs to fall to his feet. He sighed and put his glove back onto his hand. His fingertips were cold, he presumed it was from the lack of blood flow to them. He flicked them a few times to get some warmth to the area, as cold fingers weren't amazing for force-choking those who got in his way, or slamming Hux into a wall, which seemed to be a daily occurence. His fingers did feel some more warmth after some time. He walked back over to where his bed lay and looked down. He felt something touch his shoulder, where the wounds were, but nothing was there. Tears began to fall down his cheek. He placed his hand where the bandage was wrapped under his robes and rubbed his fingers along the length of the wounds./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Rey." He whispered. His face now wet with tears./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Rey felt his touch on her shoulder, and then she heard him speak her name. She looked up to the night sky./spanspan style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"br class="kix-line-break" /spanspan style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Ben." She called out, hoping she'd hear a response./span/p 


End file.
